180 days as a teacher

Teacherhood - add this word to the dictionary please - I never heard that word before but I think it describes well the way I feel about teaching. A special mental state that combines teaching with feelings of motherhood.

Not the way I think about teaching, but the way I feel. I feel part mom, part teacher.

When I'm in class lecturing on a new topic, writing things down on the blackboard, handing out assignments and specifying how I want the next lab report written up, I'm definitely a simple teacher. When I'm correcting and grading hundreds of tests, I'm still a teacher. But when my heart fills with angst as I add up some of the marks, specifically those of the students that repeatedly fail, fail and fail, the motherly side of me takes over. Through these students' repeated inability to get a passing grade, I feel MY failure to reach out to them and teach them the way THEY need to be taught. And if I can't do that, I'm not really doing my job.

I'm also trying to give as much support as I can to my special student, the one who is depressed. I'm starting to feel depressed myself, not because of her, but because teaching is not easy, letting go of those that fail repeatedly is both impossible and tormenting. I can't balance this the way all the other (real) teachers seem to.

Perhaps this whole adventure was a mistake. And yet, tomorrow morning, I'll be smiling at them as we dissect sheep brains at 8:30AM... go figure...

It's weird... I'm almost in control of the situation, and that makes me feel good - and worried that something big is going to land on my head and knock me right out.

Let's see - any kind of browsing through my posts paint the picture of someone who is suddenly wearing teacher shoes - and the clerk screwed up badly because they are NOT running shoes (which would really help!). I have been feeling out of breath since the 2nd day of class, like I can never really catch my darn tail despite trying to 40-50 hours per week.

Somehow, I've managed to get ahead in my biology planning, and I am only 204 assignments behind in correction (which is not bad!). The winds are changing... who knows? Perhaps I can even look forward to some smooth sailing once in a while between now and June...